smite!

on the general topic of smite, i seem to have fallen very out of touch with the genteel southern notion of how to deal with strangers. from the grandmama bus incident several months ago (where i turned around and smote the hang-on bar with my hand, looked at her and growled "shit-eating whore") to last week's latest incident of me yelling at strangers who ask for shit from my house, i asked my friend margaux last night if she thought i was developing a rage problem. because yesterday i was walking and smoking and having a chat with my friend carl who is moving to gay paree when a drunken dude asked me for a cigarette, and i didn't think a very drunken dude would be able to converse in english very well so i said "oh i dont speak french" and he kept asking so i was like "no no no i dont understand". finally he started muttering (translation) "get the fuck away you filthy thing fuck off" and carl started laughing because y'all i am a horrible liar and from my face it was pretty obvious that i understood. but he still kept asking so i (my liar face red and contorted) said "um no i still really dont understand please leave me alone". then he called me (and i give the french version because it's one of the worst possible things you can call someone, because '-asse' is a really really vulgar -- and surprise surprise -- feminine ending in french) a "sale pouffiasse de merde". translation: a "dirty fucking shit-eating skanky ho bitch". so at this point i exploded and started yelling at him that "look i understand perfectly fucking well what you're saying and i'm not going to give you a motherfucking cigarette neither am i going to get the fuck out of a public fucking square and i'm certainly not going to listen to you call me a sale pouffiasse de merde because you, sir, are a sale pouffiasse de merde and you can go sodomize yourself in a painful way." so he starts yelling back that i'm dishonest because i pretended not to speak french, carl is dying laughing because he doesn't understand what we're saying yet it was obvious that i was going to crack, and so i throw down my cigarette and go into the metro from inside the metro i hear the guy say "aw fuck yourself you fucking bitch" and i scream back at him from inside the metro that he is the bitch *and* a skanky ho and since he's a woman-hating fuck i bet he doesn't like being treated like a woman, does he?
so since i am now in touch with my long-latent inner verbal smiting of strangers, i asked margaux if i have a rage problem. she says no, that she thinks it's just road rage without a car. isn't she smart?

and for more smiting fun, go with great swiftness to: the smite stick !